Mourning into Dancing...

Disclaimer:  

Right now we are going through a rough week.

 It is Holy Week, which carries in it a time for acknowledging the ultimate sacrifice, 

sorrow and pain, mixed with the joy of Jesus' resurrection. 

  It is also a difficult anniversary for us as we remember one dear to us

 that was taken from us all too soon.  

And, it is also a personal rough time, as dreams we had were shattered 

(at the very least, put on hold)

So here, I am trying to make sense of it all...

Not that what we are going through personally is ANYTHING like the death of a Savior, 

or the death of a loved one...

But the stages of grief are the same, and they are real.

And so here I pray...

Lord, turn our mourning into dancing.

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April 2011

6 weeks ago Duane left for Afghanistan.  3 days before he left we were notified that he was in a year group that was being looked at for the Reduction-in-Force by the Air Force.  Meaning, we could be out of a job in 6 months when he gets back from Afghanistan.  With this notification came the opportunity to voluntarily get out.  So, we prayed.  Hard.  And we applied.  And waited.  Putting out feelers for new jobs, late-night and early-morning Skype chats living worlds apart, preparing ourselves for the challenges ahead, tainted with nervous excitement and hope for our future.  One that wouldn't involve deployments, 16 hour work days, and living far away from family.  His application had been approved through 6 different committees.

And then yesterday we were notified "Your application has been disapproved."
Denied.
Door slammed shut.

What we thought was going to be our future did a 180 back to where we are now.

And the grief is so real I feel like I can reach out and touch it.
Ah yes, there you are...
Shock - check.
Anger - check.
Sadness - check.
 Frustration - check.

What do you mean, this won't be our last deployment?
What do you mean, a 2-month training course that Duane did 18 months ago extended our commitment 3 years?
What do you mean, we won't be moving closer to family on a permanent basis?
WHY???

I know it will be OK.  I know that God has a bigger plan.  I know that God is good, that He is faithful, and someday we will look back on this and understand why.  I know that He will turn our mourning in to dancing.  That's the hope my faith rests on.

I'm just not dancing yet.  Not today.  And that's OK.

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April 2009

Two years ago I lost my best friend in a tragic car accident.  Two sweet boys (ages 8 months and 3 years at the time) lost their Mama.  A wonderful man lost his bride.  A sister was lost.  A daughter.  A "when God gives you extra time in your schedule, it means you need to go to Starbucks and hey, here's some Ben and Jerry's just because" friend.

In that initial time of sorrow, every emotion possible encompassed me.  Shock.  Anger.  Grief.  Releasing the dreams of the future and adjusting to this new reality that seemed unfair and just. not. right.

At the time, it didn't make any sense.  It still doesn't in many ways.  But I also know that God is good, that He is faithful, and someday we will look back on this and understand why.  He has bigger plans, and He is carrying all that knew and loved Erika with a tenderness that only He can give.  Because we know that she is with Him, that she went the minute He said "It is time for you to go" and that she is watching over us all right now.  That's the hope that our faith rests on.

He does turn mourning into dancing.

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Nisan 15, 30-36 AD (approx)

Roughly 2000 years ago, Jesus Christ rode into Jerusalem on a donkey.  The crowds praised him, laying their coats before him, waving palm branches and shouting "Hosanna! Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!  Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!"  These crowd had been the recipients of his healings.  Of miracles.  Witnesses to Him calming the seas and telling the Pharisees just who this God was that they served.

Just a few days later, these same crowds turned against him.  Hurled insults.  Spat at him.  Called for his death.  

And his disciples - one betrayed him.  One denied him.  The others held on to the hope that He would emerge victorious, would reign over all.  Would march into Jerusalem and kick Rome's butt.  

But death on a cross?  Public humiliation?  Submission?  Where was their victorious warrior?  Why didn't things go the way they thought they would?  They were angry.  Afraid.  Anxious for the future.  Unsure of where to turn next.  What they thought was going to happen, didn't.  

Three days later the tomb was empty.  And He appeared to them, saying "Peace be with you.  Why are you troubled?"  It was then that they understood all that had happened - it was all in accordance to His plan, so that all could be saved from their sins.  (Luke 24: 36-49)    He assured them that  God is good, that He is faithful, and someday they would look back on this and understand why.

Jesus had risen.  It was finished.

Their time of mourning was over... the time of dancing had begun.

Humpty Humpty Day

Yea!  it's Hodgepodge Wednesday!  And oh, today's answers should be really really interesting since I'm running on not-a-whole-lot-of-sleep!  Let the rambling thought provoking ponderings commence...
(Oh, and if you want to participate in Hodgepodge Wednesday, you can do so here - but after you read mine and leave a witty comment, of course!)

1. What are your plans for Easter Day/weekend?

In between Big C's neurologist appointment for his hand on Friday, Good Friday Service that night, Soccer and Baseball games on Saturday, between which we will dye Easter eggs, and then that night after the kidlettes are in bed I will play "Easter Bunny" solo for the first time, since dear hubs is fighting for our freedoms and the freedoms of others in a far off land... that will be hard, as we always have such fun hiding eggs together and putting their baskets together.  But I digress.  Sunday morning we will feast on homemade cinnamon rolls, go to church, and then come home for a nap mass flurry of getting Easter dinner prepared, which we will share with dear friends.  On a definite somber note, Easter Sunday this year falls on the 2-year anniversary of my best friend's passing.  We are sharing Easter dinner with her sweet family... such a blessing, but oh, how I wish you were here, Erika.

2. Besides Jesus, what one person from The Bible would you most like to meet and why?

Oh gosh - so many.  I would probably have to say Peter... what a guy.  He was right there, with Jesus, and was SO human - sticking his foot in his mouth on more than one occassion, denying the one He loved, and yet he also knew the assurance of having Christ extend His hand to save him from drowning, he had the faith to walk on the water... I would just love to sit and here what it was really like to be THAT close to Jesus.

3. What is one modern day convenience you didn't have as a child that was easy to live without?

Cable TV.  Seriously, you either watched something on TV or you didn't.  You didn't have 352 channels to choose from.  Of course, if the President was on, you were screwed... 

4. Are you more right brained or left brained? If you don't know what that means there is an interesting little quiz here

Huh - according to the quiz, I am 55% Right Brain and 45% Left Brain.  Which doesn't really surprise me - my hubby is always making fun of me for how much I use my hands when I talk, and the good Lord knows that is ONLY through His grace (and that of Mr Wilson, my teacher) that I passed geometry.  

5. What is something you intended to do today but didn't? Why?

I intended on getting up and exercising.  But a late night possible burglar scare, the ensuing investigation by the cops, resulting in a restless night, meant that this morning instead of working out, I consumed a vat of coffee followed by toast with Nutella and bananas.

So sue me.

6. Cadbury Creme Eggs or Reeses peanut butter?

Reeses Peanut Butter - ALL the way!

7. Who was your favorite cartoon character when you were a child?

I don't remember really having a favorite, but every Saturday morning my brother and I would wake up and go watch the Bugs Bunny and Roadrunner show, with Scholastic Rock in between the commercials.  We would sit in our jammies and sit on our bean bags, or lean against our black labrador, Molly, who would sit SO still for hours on end while we used her as our giant pillow to rest our heads against.  I admit that on Saturday mornings I miss that for my kids (see my response on #3)  They have any program they want at their fingertips, any time they want... there isn't any anticipation, nothing special about Saturday mornings per say.  

8. Insert your own random thought here.

When Duane and I decided to join the Air Force, we committed (OK, I insisted, he acquiesced) that whenever he is gone for a long period of time, I can get a housecleaner at least once a month.  This was the best decision we have ever made in our marriage.  Well, one of the top five anyway.  

So I have a new cleaning service here right now.  They came very highly recommended by a good friend.  And she warned me that on their first cleaning they are VERY thorough and take a long time being oh so detailed.  Now, I keep a pretty clean house.  I may not dust every day, or, who's kidding, every week... because we live in the high desert of Idaho, which means that it is windy ALL the time and there is DUST EVERYWHERE... but as a general rule, the sheets are changed, laundry is done, bathrooms are as clean as my boys will allow them to be (enough said...sigh), floors are vacuumed and washed.  But these ladies have spent the last 4 hours upstairs!  Seriously - I haven't seen them at all!  I hear the vacuum running, water being flushed... I'm afraid that my children and I will not recognize our bedrooms or bathrooms, they will be so sparkly clean!  Wow.  I might have to have them come back tomorrow to get the downstairs done!