Mourning into Dancing...

Disclaimer:  

Right now we are going through a rough week.

 It is Holy Week, which carries in it a time for acknowledging the ultimate sacrifice, 

sorrow and pain, mixed with the joy of Jesus' resurrection. 

  It is also a difficult anniversary for us as we remember one dear to us

 that was taken from us all too soon.  

And, it is also a personal rough time, as dreams we had were shattered 

(at the very least, put on hold)

So here, I am trying to make sense of it all...

Not that what we are going through personally is ANYTHING like the death of a Savior, 

or the death of a loved one...

But the stages of grief are the same, and they are real.

And so here I pray...

Lord, turn our mourning into dancing.

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April 2011

6 weeks ago Duane left for Afghanistan.  3 days before he left we were notified that he was in a year group that was being looked at for the Reduction-in-Force by the Air Force.  Meaning, we could be out of a job in 6 months when he gets back from Afghanistan.  With this notification came the opportunity to voluntarily get out.  So, we prayed.  Hard.  And we applied.  And waited.  Putting out feelers for new jobs, late-night and early-morning Skype chats living worlds apart, preparing ourselves for the challenges ahead, tainted with nervous excitement and hope for our future.  One that wouldn't involve deployments, 16 hour work days, and living far away from family.  His application had been approved through 6 different committees.

And then yesterday we were notified "Your application has been disapproved."
Denied.
Door slammed shut.

What we thought was going to be our future did a 180 back to where we are now.

And the grief is so real I feel like I can reach out and touch it.
Ah yes, there you are...
Shock - check.
Anger - check.
Sadness - check.
 Frustration - check.

What do you mean, this won't be our last deployment?
What do you mean, a 2-month training course that Duane did 18 months ago extended our commitment 3 years?
What do you mean, we won't be moving closer to family on a permanent basis?
WHY???

I know it will be OK.  I know that God has a bigger plan.  I know that God is good, that He is faithful, and someday we will look back on this and understand why.  I know that He will turn our mourning in to dancing.  That's the hope my faith rests on.

I'm just not dancing yet.  Not today.  And that's OK.

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April 2009

Two years ago I lost my best friend in a tragic car accident.  Two sweet boys (ages 8 months and 3 years at the time) lost their Mama.  A wonderful man lost his bride.  A sister was lost.  A daughter.  A "when God gives you extra time in your schedule, it means you need to go to Starbucks and hey, here's some Ben and Jerry's just because" friend.

In that initial time of sorrow, every emotion possible encompassed me.  Shock.  Anger.  Grief.  Releasing the dreams of the future and adjusting to this new reality that seemed unfair and just. not. right.

At the time, it didn't make any sense.  It still doesn't in many ways.  But I also know that God is good, that He is faithful, and someday we will look back on this and understand why.  He has bigger plans, and He is carrying all that knew and loved Erika with a tenderness that only He can give.  Because we know that she is with Him, that she went the minute He said "It is time for you to go" and that she is watching over us all right now.  That's the hope that our faith rests on.

He does turn mourning into dancing.

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Nisan 15, 30-36 AD (approx)

Roughly 2000 years ago, Jesus Christ rode into Jerusalem on a donkey.  The crowds praised him, laying their coats before him, waving palm branches and shouting "Hosanna! Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!  Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!"  These crowd had been the recipients of his healings.  Of miracles.  Witnesses to Him calming the seas and telling the Pharisees just who this God was that they served.

Just a few days later, these same crowds turned against him.  Hurled insults.  Spat at him.  Called for his death.  

And his disciples - one betrayed him.  One denied him.  The others held on to the hope that He would emerge victorious, would reign over all.  Would march into Jerusalem and kick Rome's butt.  

But death on a cross?  Public humiliation?  Submission?  Where was their victorious warrior?  Why didn't things go the way they thought they would?  They were angry.  Afraid.  Anxious for the future.  Unsure of where to turn next.  What they thought was going to happen, didn't.  

Three days later the tomb was empty.  And He appeared to them, saying "Peace be with you.  Why are you troubled?"  It was then that they understood all that had happened - it was all in accordance to His plan, so that all could be saved from their sins.  (Luke 24: 36-49)    He assured them that  God is good, that He is faithful, and someday they would look back on this and understand why.

Jesus had risen.  It was finished.

Their time of mourning was over... the time of dancing had begun.